7 Theologians I would not name my pets after

I know the title is awkward, but like I’ve said before, I’m not very good with titles.

With the naming of a pet comes great responsibility. I’ve noticed, at least in my circle of acquaintances, that not very many people glean ideas for names from theologians. When was the last time you heard of a spaniel named Zwingli running around?

With that, here are some theologians I would not name my pet after*:

1. Origen. While some of his biblical exegesis is pretty interesting, his name often gets confused with “origin.” But, if you had to neuter your pet, according to legend, that name might be apropos.

2. Augustine. You would either adore this pet or hate this pet. There is no in-between. I imagine this pet as intense and smart.

3. Anselm. This pet would be blamed for all the other pets’ misbehavior. There is good reason for this.

4. Schliermacher. I don’t know why, but I imagine this pet as a schnauzer. A needy, absolutely dependent, schnauzer. (I have no idea if schnauzers are needy).

5. Phoebadius. You may not know much about this pet, except for an awesome name. I imagine Phoebadius to be a friendly dog.

6. Athanasius. With a career like Athanasius, I would imagine it would be a stubborn cat who would always find a way back to where you did not want it in the first place, and getting into fights with animals much larger than it.

7. Joachim (of Fiore). This name is actually kind of cool. This medieval theologian believed that history was divided into three time periods: the Father (Old Testament), the Son (New Testament and early church), and his present age (Holy Spirit), which would reveal deeper, spiritual meanings. This pet may think it was smarter than everyone else. Most likely, it would be a cat.

Of course, I can’t do any better. Growing up, we named our cats with “S” names that were in songs. The result? Sloopy and Seymour. However, we’ve never encountered another Sloopy the cat wondering around.

* Please note that this is somewhat based on others’ interpretations of theologians, as well as highlighting the prominent concept for which they are remembered. Obviously, it doesn’t express the totality of their writings. 

Sloopy and Seymour the cats
Sloopy (l) and Seymour (r). You can tell they care about theology.
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Author: Kate Hanch

I like to laugh, study theology, the church, & Missouri sports. Sister, daughter, wife, Baptist, Christian feminist, friend, minister, PhD student in theology, Weird Al fan, wanderlust.

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